Seeing Reason

Yesterday I brought up the topic of forgiveness and asked why we would choose to hang onto old pain. Actually, we humans are good at reasoning our way through life, so when I asked some folks why not forgive, they gave me a host of reasons.

The first is that we cannot excuse the wrong that was done. Forgiveness seems to say that the offense doesn't matter, that the harm was insignificant.

Related to this is the idea that some offenses are unforgivable: they are simply too big, too offensive to forgive.

Another is that by forgiving the offender, the person is let off the hook, so to speak. They get away without paying for their crime. Our refusal to forgive is an attempt to restore balance, to achieve justice when justice seems not to be forthcoming.

Sometimes forgiveness is withheld not because of the offense but because of the offender. That person is too reprehensible to be forgiven. Perhaps the offender is unrepentant or not repentant enough. Sometimes the offender seems actually to have benefited from the commission of the offense that rankles so. Maybe the offender has continued in the offense against us or against other victims. Perhaps the offender seems to enjoy or even glory in their offenses.

When the offense was committed not against us, but against a loved one, it can be especially hard to forgive the perpetrator. We see our continuing unforgiveness as an act of solidarity with our loved one.

When the offender is no longer living, people may feel that forgiveness is moot. The offender simply isn't there to be forgiven.

Sometimes people think forgiveness is unnecessary because they are at least partially responsible for what happened. Particularly in abuse cases, victims may have been convinced by the offender that either they asked for or deserved the abuse they suffered. It was the victim's fault; the victim forced the offender's hand.

We may believe that forgiveness is not the answer. "If my refusal to forgive makes me angry and allows the wound to fester," we say, "well, it's worth it because...(insert reason)."

Ok, but does that really make sense?